Reorganizing My Mental State

This was my state of mind last week:

This is my state of mind this week:

I’m feeling anxious that I’m coming to another important crossroads in my life and it’s seriously beginning to stress me out, like most important things do. It didn’t bother me graduating from University 5 months ago, then it almost seemed surreal. But I guess reality is setting in and I feel like I need to start getting things together now or spend the rest of my life working in retail and being a tumblr zombie. First I thought, I’ll look for a full time job in something remotely related to my field. That only lead me to the conclusion that those jobs don’t exist or that’s not what I’m looking for. Secretarial work just doesn’t appeal to me I’m sorry. I know, I know you have do the whole “pay your dues” thing but so what if I work my way up the chain in some office (government or private same diff)? That just doesn’t appeal to me. I know so many people that will lose their minds reading this. I’ve had this conversation with a few people and they all think I’m insane. But what I’m saying is, I think it’s insane that happiness in life can be chalked up to a 9 to 5 with benefits, a house, and 1.5 children or whatever it is. Blame it on the remnants of my 15 year old punk rock self but that’s not what I see for myself. So what’s my plan then? Even though planning your life is sad, I mean, have goals and dreams but please don’t schedule the rest of your life. Allow for spontaneity and know how to take opportunities as they come. Anyway. So what’s my plan, going back to school? I guess? That sounds so solid I know! But I don’t see myself doing anything else right now. I want to learn everything on Earth! Ok not that extreme but I want to learn more. The snag though is that my grades limit where I can go and I’m psyching myself out because of that. I’ve always had the voice that nags “you’re not smart enough, confident enough etc”. I’ve gotten over it many times before, like when I applied to University, but it has also cost me at times, like that time I got a D because I had a mini mental breakdown first semester of first year and nearly convinced myself that I wasn’t smart enough for University. Everyone that knows me personally and reads this is going to think I’m completely out of my mind. And that’s the sad part, I got a D BECAUSE I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. I could have had an A in that class but on one paper I had a freak out. It sounds like I’m dwelling at this point but the moral is, mental attitude determines the outcome of pretty  much everything you do. So I’m going to school and the only hesitation I have is rooted in my mediocre grades but I might as well take the chance now.

So the conclusions I’ve come to thus far:

-I’m going to try and get into an M.A. program.

-I need a change in my life (which basically means moving? aaah!)

-Life is stressful but completely manageable and full of awesome opportunity as long as you keep your inner hater/jerkface in check.

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